Amazon’s infinitely wise algorithm thinks he does ... for some reason. For you and your oddball progenitor, we dug through pages of the shopping site’s suggested Father’s Day gifts (under $30, of course, money doesn’t grow on trees, dontchaknow) to find the weirdest of the weird.
1. Archie McPhee World’s Smallest Underpants ($6.25)
It’s not clear who Archie McPhee is from the item description, or why he would need such small underwear, but for $6.25 (free shipping with Amazon Prime), you can gift dad “a tiny pair of men’s tighty-whities sized for you to wear over two of your fingers.” The 5.5-inch waisted briefs are 95-percent cotton and “will make every picture of your hand slightly more disturbing.” Only if stains are already included.
2. Frankenstein: Complete Legacy Collection ($19.12)
Hey, monster movies are cool, and this bunch of eight films on four DVDs includes the Boris Karloff classic and the even classic-ier “Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein.” Mary Shelley’s story is timeless, but its themes are a little off-putting for Father’s Day. “That was a great brunch, papa, let’s sit down and watch a mad scientist give life to a collection of sewn together corpses, only to cast out his progeny into the cruel world as an abomination.” Nothing says “I love you, dad” like watching a 7-foot child-creature throw his father off a windmill only to be burned to death by a mob of angry villagers. Also, minus points for not including “Young Frankenstein” in the collection.
3. Blink-182 “Enema of the State” LP ($18.96)
If your dad was a teen or young adult in 1999, he may have dialed in to “Total Request Live” to request that “What’s My Age Again?” video. You know, the one where the band is running through town with their pixellated junk on display. If that’s true, he probably already has owned several different formats of this album (anybody remember the Zune?), so why would he need it on 12-inch vinyl? Dear ol’ dad may be an audiophile, but does the superior quality of this LP make the three-chord, pop-punk thrashing sound any better?
4. Pickle Candy ($9.39)
Move over Mentos, there’s a new fresh maker in town. Do you like candy? Do you like pickles? Then you’ll love Pickle Candy! Said no one ever. Apparently, this hard sugar candy tastes like sweet pickles. Not even dill? Gross.
5. Wooden Handmade Nose-shaped Eyeglass Spectacle Holder ($5.99)
This is a carved wooden stand with a nose and nostrils that you place your glasses on when you’re not wearing them. “Gifted artisans from India have used wooden crafting techniques passed down over generation,” the item description boasts. What I see is close enough to a face to scare the bejeezus out of your father when he rolls over in the middle of the night and sees this thing wearing his glasses and staring at him from his nightstand. Amazon doesn’t say people who bought these frequently bought a set of clean sheets with them, but you might want to do dad a favor.
6. Yodelling Bacon ($7.39)
The description says “Red, Plastic, 5.5” long.” Maybe this was suggested because of some past purchases? Anyhoo... if your father wants a plastic strip of bacon with a button that triggers a cheerful Alpine ditty when pressed, check it out. Frequently bought together are the yodeling bacon, a yodeling pickle and the “Farting Animals Coloring Book.” Not going to touch that one.
7. Bigfoot Air Freshener ($4.50)
For just four-and-a-half bucks, the old man’s home or auto can “smell just like a Sasquatch,” which is apparently pine scented. The Bigfoot pictured on the air freshener is striking the familiar, although less blurry, arm-swinging pose, but he’s probably just trying to walk away from this terrible product idea. I mean, does Harry even get royalties for this?