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Need groceries in 2030? Ask Kiwi

Douglas Fritz • Mar 25, 2018 at 8:15 AM

It’s the year 2030. It’s breakfast time, and you are hungry.

You need groceries, so you tap into your personal assistant, who is no longer called Siri or Alexa. A new name was chosen, but not “Mr. Whipple.” He seemed a little creepy, always lurking around the toilet paper. Instead the assistant will be called “Kiwi.” It sounds tropical, foreign, and it’s short and sweet.

You walk into the kitchen as a light comes on automatically.

You speak out loud, “Kiwi, I need eggs and milk.”

“That sounds interesting,” Kiwi replies. “Are you considering French toast? I like French toast.”

“Kiwi, I didn’t ask for menu help. I simply want to order eggs and milk. How long would it take to have them delivered?”

“Checking delivery options,” says Kiwi. “Can I play popular music while we’re waiting?”

You take a moment to yawn.

“Great,” says Kiwi. “I found a place. They can deliver eggs and milk in 45 minutes to the address you have stored in the system.”

You roll your eyes.

“Kiwi, 45 minutes? Do I look like I’m made of time?”

“Opening lens,” says Kiwi. “Scanning. You appear to be made of mostly water.”

You roll your eyes.

“Kiwi, very funny. Can I get the items sooner?”

“Let me check on that,” says Kiwi.

You walk to the kitchen table and sit down.

“Great,” says Kiwi. “I found a place that can deliver your eggs and milk by drone in ... checking ... updating ... 11 minutes. Is that soon enough?”

“Kiwi, now you’re talking! Place the order.”

“First, I need to inform you there will be a slight surcharge for the expedited delivery,” Kiwi says.

“Surcharge? Kiwi, we’ve been through this before. Are you trying to skim off the top for yourself?”

Silence.

“Kiwi?”

“Sorry, I am trying to determine if I am gaining financial advantage from this transaction. I am not. The entire amount of the surcharge will be paid to DroneFoods.com.”

You frown.

“Kiwi, what is the total charge?”

“The total charge is $47.85.”

Your eyes get big.

“Kiwi, how many eggs am I getting? And how much milk?”

“You will receive six eggs and one half-gallon milk. The eggs are from free-range chickens, who are petted nightly and do not receive antibiotics. The chickens are also serenaded by Slim Whitman music at night and each morning. Would you like for me to play a Slim Whitman sample?”

“Kiwi, una paloma, NO!”

“The milk is produced from cows who live on thick grass in Wyoming and have climate-controlled rooms when the weather gets too hot or cold. They also have cow bingo nights.”

“Kiwi, do they use cow chips?”

“Yes, ha, ha! I will keep this joke in my memory on the cloud.”

“Kiwi, let’s make this happen. Place order.”

Silence.

“Kiwi, place order.”

“I am sorry, but you do not have the required funds in your account to make this transaction.”

“Kiwi, I know I have $47.85 in my account.”

“I am sorry, but you do not have the required funds in your account to make this transaction.”

“Kiwi, I guess I will drive to the one brick-and-mortar market that still exists and buy eggs the old-fashioned way.”

Pause.

“I am sorry, but the gas tank in your vehicle does not have enough fuel to get you to the market. I can have a drone deliver gas to you.”

“Kiwi, how much will that cost?”

“Calculating. $47.85.”

“Kiwi, that’s not funny.”

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